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Year Of The Blonde

January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!!

May Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October Hate M & M's...... They are so hard to peel.

November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

Filed under  //  blonde   humor  
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by Ian May 
 

Prayer Time

WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
One who'll pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand..

Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean..
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother...

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit..

Filed under  //  humor   joke  
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by Ian May 
 

Computer Strikes Back

Get the Flash Playerto see this player.

Filed under  //  computer   humor   video  
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US Medical Insurance Explained

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase "HEY MOE " ; Its roots
go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who
discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot
if he was poked hard enough in the eye .
 
 
Q . I just joined an HMO .   How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents . Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the
plan   The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are
no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are
no longer participating in the plan . But don't worry, the remaining
doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an
office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world
country .
 
 
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No.  Only those you need.
 
 
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment
 
 
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment .
 
Q My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand .  I tried the generic medication, but it gave me
a stomach ache  What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye
 
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick ?
A . You really shouldn't do that
 
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem .   Can a general practitioner really
perform a heart transplant right in his/her office ?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20
co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot .
 
Q Will health care be different in the next decade ?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then .

Filed under  //  humor   medical  
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Think It Over Long And Hard

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. 





Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.

She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'


Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 
'You better think it over, Bob.  Women like that are hard to find.'

Filed under  //  comedy   fishing   humor   women  
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by Ian May